Will I be a boss, or will I be a pawn?

It’s strange how life works sometimes.

I created this blog with so much excitement and dedication. It was all I thought about for days. Now, it’s been floating in the web, unused and forgotten, for months. Why?

I have been this way my whole life; obsessed by an idea, completely immersed in my plan to make it a reality, only for my passion to be quietly snatched from me as the days went on. You could say it’s no big deal, but it’s maddening to me, since I know exactly why my subconscious makes me forget every project I care about.

I have had problems with control and boundaries for my whole life. I am the girl who gives her control away, to loved ones and strangers. I anticipate people’s needs and try my best to meet them. I feel any perceived pain as my own. When a person acts and feels a certain way, no matter who they are, I automatically become a boasting mirror; they see a reflection that loves them and makes them feel cherished. But what happens to me, behind the mirror? I can’t be seen. I just make myself invisible. I have rarely been normal; I go out of my way to be nice, inviting and warm, or I am so anxious that I look aloof and… a little strange. I can be too harsh or distant when I try to be the opposite of powerless, and that doesn’t help me either. Or does it? I annoyingly believe that being anything but a nonthreatening support to people would make me a bad character.

I have always been afraid of being hurt; left by loved ones or hurt by strangers. What if my friend gets incredibly annoyed when I have a bad day? What if asking for a straw to a busy waiter makes him feel controlled and he spits in my drink? What if a stranger I don’t want to engage with keeps talking to me and I can’t get away? What if I am distant and he’s so insulted, he wants to hurt me?

Vicious thinking, isn’t it?

Exploring these fears have made me more aware of the reason behind my lack of boundaries and my constant need for control in my life. I hate interacting with others because I’ll lose control again. I also hate starting projects because it will become other’s property instead of mine. If I ever want to do what I love, and love life in general, I need to face my fears and take control.

So I have been thinking of ways to counter those fears. It’s not enough to be aware of them in order to change my compulsion. It’s not the fact that these terrifying things could happen to me that makes me afraid; it’s that I wouldn’t have the skills to survive them if they were to. I believe, deep down, that my fears would destroy me.

Here lies the beautiful solution to my life-long problem; I need to gain these skills. I need to find happiness and security within. I need to be assertive, treat strangers as people I don’t know, treat loved ones as people who love me no matter what.

Would I be able to be completely alone? Would I be able to run far away if a stranger got too close? Would I be able to fend for myself if no one else did? Could I have firm boundaries without being a bad person?

If I start working on being assertive with my loved ones, I’m confronted right away by my fear of losing them, without having the practice I need to believe I could survive it. If I can’t start practicing on a training dummy instead of the dreaded beast, how will I master the skill?

I think I need to start with strangers. I need to realize that I don’t owe them anything besides not hurting them. Slowly, this will build up the skill. One day, when I have built it enough, I will be able to regain control of my life with important people too.

I’m sure that what I will find at the end of the journey is a version of me still surrounded by people she loves, but much happier. This gives me hope.

Will I be a boss, or will I be a pawn?